WAG on the terraces

They don't teach you this stuff at finishing school in Switzerland, but there are a few cast iron dos and don'ts for when you're in the company of WAGs.

Get your hands on some 'Intimately Beckham'. It's very cheap and if Victoria recognises it on you, she is obliged to talk to you at least once.

Lose weight no matter what size you are. Coleen's "curves" are not revered and they will go.

Keep your opinions neutral - as the world of WAGs is a fickle one. If you are publicly scornful of a town then fate will intervene and your man will be transferred there next season. A hate campaign will be waged against you. Despite what Max Clifford says, this is not good PR.

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